It was probably a mistake to pursue happiness; much better to create happiness; still better to create happiness for others. The more happiness you created for others the more would be yours—a solid satisfaction that no one could ever take away from you.
When I was younger I only had one and foremost ambition: to become a saint. Unusual and unbelievable is it not? But I am telling the truth. I grew up envying the saints and believed in all my innocence that there is no other kind of life more satisfying and gratifying than becoming a saint. I would imagine myself being a saint helping people who would pray for me, being so holy with a halo above my head. I believed saints were so loving and did not know any feelings of anger or hatred. Consequently, I was praised by neighbors and almost all people who came to know me. I was an obedient and nice child as they knew. I was even chosen as the "Most Behaved Senior" during our Juniors-Seniors Prom in high school.
So much so that when I was in college I stopped schooling for the purpose of entering the nunnery; hoping it was the right way to fulfilling my ambition of becoming a saint. However, I was faced with a reality as hard as the diamond. What I was believing all along was so false. It were all untrue. And the more shocking truth for me was knowing that what made saints was not a smooth flowing life; rather it was the life full of sacrifices and pain.
It made my dream crumbled. Coupled with my own fears and shortcomings I stopped the pursuit and chose to end life in the nunnery. I went out and continued living a normal life. But then the call of the spirit was one voice I could not ignore. For the second time I tried to enter the same nunnery; this time as a working person who will live a life of single-blessedness. Again my fears and confusion lead me aimless. And again I went out and followed my own way.
The dream of becoming a saint was already out of my sight. I made ghastly mistakes in life. I failed the people around me. I failed my family. What's worse I failed myself.
Now I am on my feet again. The dream? I have let it go. What I am up to now is becoming happy: not only as a long term goal but as a daily objective. I could choose anything whatever resides in my mind that can support me in this objective. Some say whatever you think, you attract. I believe this is the call of the spirit within me - that I may be happy to make others happy. I need not focus on myself but on helping the people around me because it is only through this that I will find real happiness.