Sunday, January 17, 2010


The new year has started. What did I do?
As I look at my life I realized it is not yet the kind of life I want; not because I dreaded it but because I am not yet fully defined by the things I did. I believe I am the things that I do for I would not do the things that I am not. Hence, I am not happy and does not yet feel fulfilled with what I have done with my life. This means I yet have to know who I am and what is it that can make me me. The one thing to start this process is to have a New Year's resolution. And I did.
I had a long list of New Year's resolution. There is no need for me to enumerate those things here because it concerns not other people but only to me. But if I'll be successful enough in following those resolutions I would not be so much a pain in the neck of those who are around me.
This is the first time in my history to make a New Year's resolution. Back in college when we were given the assignment to make a New Year's resolution I did not make the list, justifying everyday is a resolution. However, more than ten years had passed and I am not yet living my ideal life. What happened? Perhaps something is wrong somewhere. And it is. I had no clear definition of how my life should look like and most of all I had not made peace with myself as to what I want with life and what could I possibly give back to it.
Now as things are slowly becoming clear I believe it is not too late for me to live the kind of life I dream of. The very first step of doing this is to die unto myself; that is to unlearn the things that have nothing to do with me and relearn the values that I want to stand for which would lead me to realizing and expressing myself fully.
I have not yet made a significant history. For this, people may not notice me yet or consider me and look at me based on my history, what I did in my past. Well, it would be okay because this is how life goes. The only thing that matters so much to me now is how I see myself, whether I continue to look at me the way I used to be in the past or put to work the change and improvement that I so long to happen to me. 
I may have hurt others especially my loved ones or have not cared enough, yet that was the best I knew of. That was the me in my brokenness, the me that I thought the "best" that I could be. Now I am grateful for knowing that there could be the "best" me where I could be me without hurting others and may share this "best" me to others lovingly. I long to do that to you. I believe it will for I am not giving up on me.  

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